Friends with Convenience

annoying

The Problem:

You are having an jolly good day, you are off of work, checking your social media sites and you see a like from someone who you having talked to in years. You begin to think two things: Maybe they pressed it on accident or Hey, maybe I should hang out with them again they seem nice. You let it go and do nothing. The next day you get another like. Now there is no way they would like two of your pics on accident 2 days in a row, so you begin to think what is going on. After the third day, you get a request to go see their harmonica band play at Chuck E Cheese. Now it all comes together.

We all have those friends or acquaintances who just pop up at the most convenient times. Sometimes it starts as a conversation: Hey hows it going, how have you been? Haven’t seen you since you since Mrs. Johnson’s 1st grade class. By the way you want to buy a home from me? No jerk I would not like to buy a home from you, I don’t even know you. Do you really think we just made up for 25 years in a one min conversation and now we are best buds again. I don’t think so you parasite.

Now I understand you want people to know about what you do and you want to make profit off of everyone, because who doesn’t want easy money, but grow a pair.

When something like this happens you tend to feel obligated to help or say yea for sure. but don’t feed these leeches. They do not deserve your support.

“Hey I saw in your post that you broke your leg. Do you need life insurance, you just never know when you’re going to die, I can help save you money” -These assholes

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you have something to tell us, do it on a larger scale. Post it on your page. Don’t tag me, and don’t single me out and pretend to be friends with me just to get me to come to your Rubik’s Cube championships. There is a time and place to invite and ask people for help or advice, and for you Third grade creepy guy who use to roll up and eat his boogers, is never.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

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“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Look into my Eyes…”

mall-kiosk-people

The Problem:

You decide it is your day off and want to enjoy it by going to the mall. You walk through a few stores and on your way to the next you see the dreaded kiosk jerks. They wait for you to look even remotely close to them so they can pounce. The moment you look over, they hypnotize you, stare into your soul, and try to sell you one of the most ground breaking inventions of mankind: A remote controlled stuffed animal.

I mean I understand this is your job, but do you really think in the middle of Christmas shopping I want the three hairs on my head to be straightened? You know what while you are at it please go ahead and braid my back hair too! What makes you think blowing bubbles at me will want me to come buy something from you. Do I come to your house and throw things at you asking you to buy a t-shirts with my face on it.

These people are walking commercials you would see in between episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. “Now for just 47 installments of $53,000 you can have this pen that will write underwater, and if you order now you can get matching goggles!”

Who honestly thinks these are a good idea. You honestly sat down, made a business plan, and a helicopter that flies 75 ft in the air when you pull a string is your revolutionary idea that is going to make you millions? You’re really sticking with that?

You sir/madame are like dementors from Harry Potter, you make a warm fuzzy day feel cold and you suck the life out of us.

The Solution:

If you are going to be working at a kiosk, please think about the product, and after giving it some hard thought…realize you are not going to get anywhere and don’t do it. When you ignore my sound advice and do open one, don’t harass people. If I want knock off sunglasses or cream to get rid of the tangles in my armpits, I will come to you.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Up in “da” Club

clubber

The Problem:

You are at work or just hanging out with a few friends when a co-worker or acquaintance comes up starts talking about the amazing weekend he has just had. He talks about all the girls he got and how he gets into all the clubs and so on. Only thing is this sounds a lot like the past 45 weekends he also has had. You begin to wonder is this balding middle aged guy really that amazing? Have you been misjudging him this whole time? Could you possibly be this close to the most interesting man in the world? After a few minutes of thinking you realize that, NO! Not a chance in hell, this guy has done and will never do anything even close to the tall tale he spews.

To him I say, “Just because you got laid one time while Nixon was still in office, doesn’t mean you are cool and that you get all the girls.” There is a reason you are middle aged, balding, and single. The only reason you get in the club is because the club is too embarrassed to have you hang around outside. You stand out at a club as much as much as Mark Wahlberg did in the transformers movie.

It isn’t just the fact that you lie about just this incident, its that it is with everything. Not only do they lie, then you come and try to give you life advice. “You are telling me what I should do to succeed?” That’s like me asking Bernie Madoff to be my accountant. We both know you are wrong and don’t have a single clue about what you are talking about. Instead of telling me how to live my life, go wipe that spray tan off and invest in some clothes that don’t have the name “Ed Hardy” on them.

The Solution:

Now I know you had some good times in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can keep drilling it into our brains and reminding us of the one time a stripper gave you a high five. Life moves on, stop living in the past, and please stop telling me how to live mine. Grow up!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Need a Hug?”

owl

The Problem:

You are enjoying getting paid for working, but we all know you are just on social media. You come across a post/status that goes like the following “Ugh….” or “WTF” or just to be extra cute ” :/ ” just a freaking slanted happy face. The following post/status brings about the fastest response times I have ever seen, these people should be working for the emergency services. Within .3 seconds there are 45,678 likes and a barrage of comments and replies ranging from “OMG babe what’s wrong” to “hang in there” to even an inspirational quote!

Now I do not know what bothers me more, the people reaching for the attention or the people giving the attention. So I broke it down and tried to figure which I hate more:

1. People who post the status: Do you really need the attention from people that most likely a. Haven’t said a word to you in months or b. People who don’t have a clue who you are and just happened to search #ineedattention #pleasegivemeattention #wahhhhhh. If you really knew them and they were your friends, you would have their phone numbers and can you call them with these issues. You do not need to publicly display and cry for attention when your pop tart didn’t toast properly or your boyfriend liked another girl’s post.

2. People who comment and like these posts: Why are you feeding into it? You don’t actually care, this is just another ploy for people to be like “Oh look, Jackie asked what wrong, she must be a great person and a good friend, lets go be friends with her.” Guess what, Jackie isn’t! She is a mean person and doesn’t shave her armpits. and is the same person who 1 second later posted a picture of herself eating frozen yogurt with the caption (#blessed #bestdayever). If Jackie really gave a crap she would have called you and seen whats wrong and not be having the best day ever!

After describing both sides out, I must say it is a tie, I hate both equally.

The Solution:

Don’t go to social media for attention, if you have a real issue go talk to people who will care and actually help you. Seek solace elsewhere. Now and again everyone gets down and wants attention and some love, but if someone actually cares about you they would not need a status or post to tell them you need a hug. So next time go looking for hugs instead of likes, you will feel much better (just don’t hug random people, that might get a bit weird!)

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Call Me Maybe”

FullSizeRender (1)

The Problem:

You go out to a bar, you are having a great time and you see someone you haven’t seen in a long time. After a few words have been exchanged, the following situation ensues: “Hey, let me get your number, we should totally hang out!” You said oh great sounds good, give them your number and go home. The chances of you getting a call from this person are as high as the their being a sequel to Selena.

I mean that is great that they want to hang out, but do they forget we have had one conversation in the past 3 decades. The last time this person said anything to me Nixon was still in office. Come to think of it this person was the same person who would make fun of me in high school, so why the hell would I want to hang out with them. You know what don’t call me jerk, you had a chance to be my friend, so screw you, I don’t want you to call me! (Sorry there was some unreleased anger issues slipping out)

You aren’t going to call me, you don’t even know me, stick with the generic “yea you know, work and school” and move on with your life till we see each other the next time Haley’s comet comes around. i wish you the best, but we were never friends for a reason and it is most likely not going to change now!

The Solution:

Now I get people are trying to be nice and friendly, but be realistic and don’t keep my hopes up. Don’t tell me you are going to call me and never do, I have been waiting and crying by the phone every night since my 3rd grade best friend said they would call me so we can go to a N’sync concert! They haven’t had a concert in over a decade and he never called, but maybe he knows something i don’t about a reunion tour. Stay strong, I promise they’ll call back 😦

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Gyminy Cricket”

PARROT

The Problem:

The gym is an awesome place to go, it is fun, feels good and gives us a chance to get into shape. Like most amazing things, there are those who just take it overboard and ruin it for everyone. I will just give a few examples as I am sure there are many that I will miss, because I will run out of space:

1. The “WTF are you doing” Guy: There is always a small amount of people who come to the gym and work out like it 1655. They start doing jumping jacks, jumping off of stairs, use the machines only as a leg stand, and hang dumbbells around their necks while doing the Macarena, because someone before the Industrial revolution used to do it and they got big. They have machines for that now and if thats the route you are going to take, you really don’t need the gym.

2. The “Hey, you are doing it wrong” Guy: You are working out and the skinniest guy at the gym comes up to you and starts to teach you the history and form of the exercise you are doing. “Thanks guy with the same muscle definition as Gumby, but I got it from here, you can just jog on and go bother someone else.”

3. The “Im Buff don’t fit into a normal shirt” Guy: There is always a good 20% of guys who are basically wearing nothing but shirt hanging on by a thread. Are you that keen on showing of your muscles that you need to be completely naked. If you were so fit you wouldn’t need to be shirtless for us to see, maybe work harder we can see those muscles with a shirt on!

4. The “Selfie” Monster: You go to the gym to work out, we see you there, and if we aren’t there we are constantly reminded you are there by the large amount of pictures you post letting us know you are there. Now here is the thing, No one cares, not even one bit, you can take all the pictures you want, but your “transformation tuesday” looks the damn same as it did a week ago. Unless you grew an extra arm or a muscle none of us have ever seen before, please limit yourself. You are at the gym to work out, stop showing off. Let other people tell you that you look nice, don’t beg for it.

5. The “Work in with the Hot girl” Guy: There is always one guy who will follow a girl at the gym and want to “work in” with the girl at the the gym. There are 50 other machines and you where doing chest a second ago, now magically you have to do the hamstring machine with the girl wearing yoga pants? Just…No!

The Solution:

Go to the damn gym, work out, say hello to friends, make some new ones, but don’t be annoying, don’t show off, and please don’t be creepy. The gym is a fun place to let of some steam, so don”t make it an uncomfortable place to be for anyone involved.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!