“Reflections Upon a Sneeze”

sneeze.jpg

 

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The Problem:

You are at the mall or a coffee shop. You see an individual breath in like they are about to sneeze. They sneeze and do not cover their mouth. Your eyes open wide, the snot from their nose comes out like the lava from Mt. Vesuvius once did, and like the citizens of Pompeii you remain frozen in hopes you will survive.

As the clear liquid flies into the air, time slows down, you see your reflection from one of the drops, and you begin to ask yourself have you done everything you have wanted? Have you built a legacy to be remembered by?

You try to move and get out of the way but, alas it is far too late. The moment of escape has passed and you must now stand there and face the judgement this sneeze will pass upon you. You stand tall and accept your faith as foreign waters trickle onto your face.

This human volcano has no remorse and just walks away without an apology of any sort. A simple covering of their mouth or the smallest of handkerchiefs would have stopped this whole tragedy. Thanks for ebola sir/madame, but no thanks, keep it for yourself.

The Solution:

Have the decency to cover your nose when you sneeze or cough, nobody needs that polluting our space. If you do cover your mouth/nose and someone is nice enough to say “Bless you” have the common decency to say thank you. Also in retrospect if one was to sneeze and you see no other individual has had the decency to say “Bless you” to them, then take a second out of your day and be the one to do it. Don’t let there be an awkward pause, makes everyone uncomfortable. It’s like a student farting in class, just because no one acknowledges it, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Be aware of your surroundings, be courteous, and stop drop and roll if you hear a sneeze. Better safe than sorry.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating

 

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“Down the Uphill Road”

negative

The Problem:

You are a normal person, who gets excited about normal things. When you get excited, you decide to tell a few people, in hopes they share your excitement as well, and then you have a big smile and go about your merry day. However, this is not always they case, in the following scenarios I will be showing certain people who always find the worst in every situation and “rain on your parade”

  1. You: I bought this amazing new cookie, it’s so good

Them: Is it gluten Free?

You: No

Them: Well you shouldn’t eat it. I read about a woman who ate the same cookie, and          her stomach was too hipster and rejected the cookie, and she died.

2.   You: I just one a million dollars

Them: I heard about a guy who won 2 million and a harpoon came flying through                his window and he died.

3.   You: We are going on vacation to Hawaii for our honeymoon. We are just so                         excited.

Them: I went to Hawaii once, It was the worst. I mean who names a state that ends           in three vowels. It was hot and sticky, and our waiter at the bar was so rude. I don’t           recommend it. You should go somewhere else.

You: But we heard so many great things, and can’t get our money back

Them: Hmpf…well sucks to be you

4.  You: I just bought these awesome new shoes

Them: Those are such a waste of money, I went to the store across the street and               got shoes 10x better for way cheaper.

These are just a few examples of how these jerks ruin a simple and good thing.

The Solution:

Your a not my banker, my life guru, or my life coach, so stop acting like you are. our opinions are your opinions, so stop sharing them, because no one really cares. If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all. Come to think of it, just don’t say anything, ever!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating.

“You Lose”

on hold

The Problem:

You are driving along and you have a phone issue or need to talk to your insurance. So you decide to give them a call. You think this will take a few minutes since you have only one question, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Little do you know this following phone call will take longer than a breakup call with your ex girlfriend.

I like to think of it as a game. In level 1 you hear a few questions about your language and the purpose of your call and you enter with a number from 1-9. Next the questions become more difficult and pretty soon you have to remember your grandmother’s cats name or your mom’s first car. You break a sweat, but you succeed because you have studied and you know this, and within an hour you have reached level 2 . In level 2 you get to speak to a real person, where for some odd reason the game hasn’t saved and you have to repeat all the answers you had entered earlier but this time in the form of words.

You do great again, and then comes Level 3, in this level you are put on hold for 4 hours till they check nothing and come back with absolutely no result. At this point your a 5 hours in, there have been no checkpoints and absolutely no end in sight. You begin to think maybe the $100,000 insurance bill or buying a brand new phone might be a better solution.

At long last you reach the Final level, The Boss comes in form of a manager, who tell you to restart your phone or that there is nothing they can do and you should call a different number that might be able to fix your issue.

The Solution:

In this game, there is no solution, you just never win.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Friends with Convenience

annoying

The Problem:

You are having an jolly good day, you are off of work, checking your social media sites and you see a like from someone who you having talked to in years. You begin to think two things: Maybe they pressed it on accident or Hey, maybe I should hang out with them again they seem nice. You let it go and do nothing. The next day you get another like. Now there is no way they would like two of your pics on accident 2 days in a row, so you begin to think what is going on. After the third day, you get a request to go see their harmonica band play at Chuck E Cheese. Now it all comes together.

We all have those friends or acquaintances who just pop up at the most convenient times. Sometimes it starts as a conversation: Hey hows it going, how have you been? Haven’t seen you since you since Mrs. Johnson’s 1st grade class. By the way you want to buy a home from me? No jerk I would not like to buy a home from you, I don’t even know you. Do you really think we just made up for 25 years in a one min conversation and now we are best buds again. I don’t think so you parasite.

Now I understand you want people to know about what you do and you want to make profit off of everyone, because who doesn’t want easy money, but grow a pair.

When something like this happens you tend to feel obligated to help or say yea for sure. but don’t feed these leeches. They do not deserve your support.

“Hey I saw in your post that you broke your leg. Do you need life insurance, you just never know when you’re going to die, I can help save you money” -These assholes

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you have something to tell us, do it on a larger scale. Post it on your page. Don’t tag me, and don’t single me out and pretend to be friends with me just to get me to come to your Rubik’s Cube championships. There is a time and place to invite and ask people for help or advice, and for you Third grade creepy guy who use to roll up and eat his boogers, is never.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Look into my Eyes…”

mall-kiosk-people

The Problem:

You decide it is your day off and want to enjoy it by going to the mall. You walk through a few stores and on your way to the next you see the dreaded kiosk jerks. They wait for you to look even remotely close to them so they can pounce. The moment you look over, they hypnotize you, stare into your soul, and try to sell you one of the most ground breaking inventions of mankind: A remote controlled stuffed animal.

I mean I understand this is your job, but do you really think in the middle of Christmas shopping I want the three hairs on my head to be straightened? You know what while you are at it please go ahead and braid my back hair too! What makes you think blowing bubbles at me will want me to come buy something from you. Do I come to your house and throw things at you asking you to buy a t-shirts with my face on it.

These people are walking commercials you would see in between episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. “Now for just 47 installments of $53,000 you can have this pen that will write underwater, and if you order now you can get matching goggles!”

Who honestly thinks these are a good idea. You honestly sat down, made a business plan, and a helicopter that flies 75 ft in the air when you pull a string is your revolutionary idea that is going to make you millions? You’re really sticking with that?

You sir/madame are like dementors from Harry Potter, you make a warm fuzzy day feel cold and you suck the life out of us.

The Solution:

If you are going to be working at a kiosk, please think about the product, and after giving it some hard thought…realize you are not going to get anywhere and don’t do it. When you ignore my sound advice and do open one, don’t harass people. If I want knock off sunglasses or cream to get rid of the tangles in my armpits, I will come to you.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!