“You Lose”

on hold

The Problem:

You are driving along and you have a phone issue or need to talk to your insurance. So you decide to give them a call. You think this will take a few minutes since you have only one question, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Little do you know this following phone call will take longer than a breakup call with your ex girlfriend.

I like to think of it as a game. In level 1 you hear a few questions about your language and the purpose of your call and you enter with a number from 1-9. Next the questions become more difficult and pretty soon you have to remember your grandmother’s cats name or your mom’s first car. You break a sweat, but you succeed because you have studied and you know this, and within an hour you have reached level 2 . In level 2 you get to speak to a real person, where for some odd reason the game hasn’t saved and you have to repeat all the answers you had entered earlier but this time in the form of words.

You do great again, and then comes Level 3, in this level you are put on hold for 4 hours till they check nothing and come back with absolutely no result. At this point your a 5 hours in, there have been no checkpoints and absolutely no end in sight. You begin to think maybe the $100,000 insurance bill or buying a brand new phone might be a better solution.

At long last you reach the Final level, The Boss comes in form of a manager, who tell you to restart your phone or that there is nothing they can do and you should call a different number that might be able to fix your issue.

The Solution:

In this game, there is no solution, you just never win.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

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Friends with Convenience

annoying

The Problem:

You are having an jolly good day, you are off of work, checking your social media sites and you see a like from someone who you having talked to in years. You begin to think two things: Maybe they pressed it on accident or Hey, maybe I should hang out with them again they seem nice. You let it go and do nothing. The next day you get another like. Now there is no way they would like two of your pics on accident 2 days in a row, so you begin to think what is going on. After the third day, you get a request to go see their harmonica band play at Chuck E Cheese. Now it all comes together.

We all have those friends or acquaintances who just pop up at the most convenient times. Sometimes it starts as a conversation: Hey hows it going, how have you been? Haven’t seen you since you since Mrs. Johnson’s 1st grade class. By the way you want to buy a home from me? No jerk I would not like to buy a home from you, I don’t even know you. Do you really think we just made up for 25 years in a one min conversation and now we are best buds again. I don’t think so you parasite.

Now I understand you want people to know about what you do and you want to make profit off of everyone, because who doesn’t want easy money, but grow a pair.

When something like this happens you tend to feel obligated to help or say yea for sure. but don’t feed these leeches. They do not deserve your support.

“Hey I saw in your post that you broke your leg. Do you need life insurance, you just never know when you’re going to die, I can help save you money” -These assholes

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you have something to tell us, do it on a larger scale. Post it on your page. Don’t tag me, and don’t single me out and pretend to be friends with me just to get me to come to your Rubik’s Cube championships. There is a time and place to invite and ask people for help or advice, and for you Third grade creepy guy who use to roll up and eat his boogers, is never.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Look into my Eyes…”

mall-kiosk-people

The Problem:

You decide it is your day off and want to enjoy it by going to the mall. You walk through a few stores and on your way to the next you see the dreaded kiosk jerks. They wait for you to look even remotely close to them so they can pounce. The moment you look over, they hypnotize you, stare into your soul, and try to sell you one of the most ground breaking inventions of mankind: A remote controlled stuffed animal.

I mean I understand this is your job, but do you really think in the middle of Christmas shopping I want the three hairs on my head to be straightened? You know what while you are at it please go ahead and braid my back hair too! What makes you think blowing bubbles at me will want me to come buy something from you. Do I come to your house and throw things at you asking you to buy a t-shirts with my face on it.

These people are walking commercials you would see in between episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. “Now for just 47 installments of $53,000 you can have this pen that will write underwater, and if you order now you can get matching goggles!”

Who honestly thinks these are a good idea. You honestly sat down, made a business plan, and a helicopter that flies 75 ft in the air when you pull a string is your revolutionary idea that is going to make you millions? You’re really sticking with that?

You sir/madame are like dementors from Harry Potter, you make a warm fuzzy day feel cold and you suck the life out of us.

The Solution:

If you are going to be working at a kiosk, please think about the product, and after giving it some hard thought…realize you are not going to get anywhere and don’t do it. When you ignore my sound advice and do open one, don’t harass people. If I want knock off sunglasses or cream to get rid of the tangles in my armpits, I will come to you.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Need a Hug?”

owl

The Problem:

You are enjoying getting paid for working, but we all know you are just on social media. You come across a post/status that goes like the following “Ugh….” or “WTF” or just to be extra cute ” :/ ” just a freaking slanted happy face. The following post/status brings about the fastest response times I have ever seen, these people should be working for the emergency services. Within .3 seconds there are 45,678 likes and a barrage of comments and replies ranging from “OMG babe what’s wrong” to “hang in there” to even an inspirational quote!

Now I do not know what bothers me more, the people reaching for the attention or the people giving the attention. So I broke it down and tried to figure which I hate more:

1. People who post the status: Do you really need the attention from people that most likely a. Haven’t said a word to you in months or b. People who don’t have a clue who you are and just happened to search #ineedattention #pleasegivemeattention #wahhhhhh. If you really knew them and they were your friends, you would have their phone numbers and can you call them with these issues. You do not need to publicly display and cry for attention when your pop tart didn’t toast properly or your boyfriend liked another girl’s post.

2. People who comment and like these posts: Why are you feeding into it? You don’t actually care, this is just another ploy for people to be like “Oh look, Jackie asked what wrong, she must be a great person and a good friend, lets go be friends with her.” Guess what, Jackie isn’t! She is a mean person and doesn’t shave her armpits. and is the same person who 1 second later posted a picture of herself eating frozen yogurt with the caption (#blessed #bestdayever). If Jackie really gave a crap she would have called you and seen whats wrong and not be having the best day ever!

After describing both sides out, I must say it is a tie, I hate both equally.

The Solution:

Don’t go to social media for attention, if you have a real issue go talk to people who will care and actually help you. Seek solace elsewhere. Now and again everyone gets down and wants attention and some love, but if someone actually cares about you they would not need a status or post to tell them you need a hug. So next time go looking for hugs instead of likes, you will feel much better (just don’t hug random people, that might get a bit weird!)

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Inspirational Discouragment”

mouse

The Problem:

You are doing the usually stroll down social media lane, and you see a picture of a friend or an acquaintance and not only is it a selfie (we will get to those on another day, I promise) but it may include the following caption: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase -MLK Jr.”

There is so much wrong with this:

1. MLK Jr. did not sacrifice his life and do the work he did, to be shared on a picture of you at the gym. He worked his whole life, you worked out for 20 min, calm down, that new vein you found on your bicep isn’t as important as the Civil Rights movement! You are not that important, I promise.

2. WTF are you saying! How is your face an inspirational thing to look at. If anything  you are discouraging me from doing anything.  You are the sole reason I do not have inspiration in my life. How do you live with yourself???

3. Are you trying to tell me your hard work at a bar drinking and dancing with your friends is as important as the actions of Rosa Parks or Ghandi. My response to you comes in the form of a quote from the amazing Rosa Park, “No!” She stood up for all that was wrong and you have the audacity to quote her on your selfie.

4. If you are going to do all of this please double check your work. According to you, our lives are about to be changed with this picture, so make sure it is accurate.The only thing more annoying than the three things above, is you not only posting a selfie with a quote, but you misspell, misapply, and give credit the wrong person.

Example:

23-funniest-animal-selfies-8

“Dont never give up” -Mother Teresa

The Solution:

If you are going to provide us with inspirational quotes, don’t put a picture of your abs or your face, put a picture of the person saying them, or some nice scenery to look at. You  most certainly are not the poster child for inspirational quotes.

or

Just stop doing it!

I personally prefer the latter option!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Separation Anxiety”

shutt

The Problem:

You scroll through you social media page and you see the picture of someone you know, the caption reads: “My best friend, my love, my joy, my prince” to that I respond “my ass.”

A few other captions may include:

“Happy monday babe, can’t go on the week without you” I promise you can, people go to war and come back and they do it, trust me you can handle a week!

“My bf/gf is the best, #blessed” Nope they aren’t, there is always better, have you met everyone in the world? May I suggest maybe “This is my bf/gf incase you forgot from the post i posted yesterday reminding you about the post I posted the day before” #keepuppeople

“Everyday is a gift with this guy/girl” I have hung out with him and I assure it most definitely is not.

You have all these couples confessing their love to each other over and over again, “Yea your together we get it, now shut up!” Are you that desperate for attention that you need constant feedback about how happy everyone is you made it through your 145th day together, or are you just that self indulgent? I look forward to your pictures as much as I look forward to the next M. Night Shaymalan movie.

This constant barrage of pictures and the ploy for attention is spamming my life. It’s people like you that make me want to switch back to dial-up internet If you love each other so much, spend time with one another, and don’t tell us. Let us guess, the suspense of not knowing if you are hanging out might be unbearable, but we will manage.

Also what is with the combo social media pages, what are you guys Captain Planet, you have conjoined your powers together and now will save the world? What happened to a little bit trust and independence.

…and #MCE and #WCE is yet again a one time comment, we do not need to be constantly reminded, your daily anniversary pictures already take care of that.

The Solution:

You aren’t the only couple in this world, you aren’t the greatest couple, you aren’t the cutest couple, you are a couple in this world, let others decide upon your greatness.

We will give you a select number of days to post pictures: engagement, wedding day, anniversary, and an occasional photo here and there. Just don’t over do it. Post pictures of turtles eating strawberries instead (yes that’s a thing and it is amazing!)

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!