“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

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“Look into my Eyes…”

mall-kiosk-people

The Problem:

You decide it is your day off and want to enjoy it by going to the mall. You walk through a few stores and on your way to the next you see the dreaded kiosk jerks. They wait for you to look even remotely close to them so they can pounce. The moment you look over, they hypnotize you, stare into your soul, and try to sell you one of the most ground breaking inventions of mankind: A remote controlled stuffed animal.

I mean I understand this is your job, but do you really think in the middle of Christmas shopping I want the three hairs on my head to be straightened? You know what while you are at it please go ahead and braid my back hair too! What makes you think blowing bubbles at me will want me to come buy something from you. Do I come to your house and throw things at you asking you to buy a t-shirts with my face on it.

These people are walking commercials you would see in between episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. “Now for just 47 installments of $53,000 you can have this pen that will write underwater, and if you order now you can get matching goggles!”

Who honestly thinks these are a good idea. You honestly sat down, made a business plan, and a helicopter that flies 75 ft in the air when you pull a string is your revolutionary idea that is going to make you millions? You’re really sticking with that?

You sir/madame are like dementors from Harry Potter, you make a warm fuzzy day feel cold and you suck the life out of us.

The Solution:

If you are going to be working at a kiosk, please think about the product, and after giving it some hard thought…realize you are not going to get anywhere and don’t do it. When you ignore my sound advice and do open one, don’t harass people. If I want knock off sunglasses or cream to get rid of the tangles in my armpits, I will come to you.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Up in “da” Club

clubber

The Problem:

You are at work or just hanging out with a few friends when a co-worker or acquaintance comes up starts talking about the amazing weekend he has just had. He talks about all the girls he got and how he gets into all the clubs and so on. Only thing is this sounds a lot like the past 45 weekends he also has had. You begin to wonder is this balding middle aged guy really that amazing? Have you been misjudging him this whole time? Could you possibly be this close to the most interesting man in the world? After a few minutes of thinking you realize that, NO! Not a chance in hell, this guy has done and will never do anything even close to the tall tale he spews.

To him I say, “Just because you got laid one time while Nixon was still in office, doesn’t mean you are cool and that you get all the girls.” There is a reason you are middle aged, balding, and single. The only reason you get in the club is because the club is too embarrassed to have you hang around outside. You stand out at a club as much as much as Mark Wahlberg did in the transformers movie.

It isn’t just the fact that you lie about just this incident, its that it is with everything. Not only do they lie, then you come and try to give you life advice. “You are telling me what I should do to succeed?” That’s like me asking Bernie Madoff to be my accountant. We both know you are wrong and don’t have a single clue about what you are talking about. Instead of telling me how to live my life, go wipe that spray tan off and invest in some clothes that don’t have the name “Ed Hardy” on them.

The Solution:

Now I know you had some good times in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can keep drilling it into our brains and reminding us of the one time a stripper gave you a high five. Life moves on, stop living in the past, and please stop telling me how to live mine. Grow up!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“I’m like so Amazing!”

big deal

The Problem:

You are hanging out, chatting it up with a few friends and discussing a variety of topics. Lets say the topic of dogs come about, and sure enough someone chimes in with “I’m the best with dogs, they love me, I’m the dog whisperer!” Everyone looks at one another and smiles and nods, but in reality you think “First off, how the hell do you know, did the dogs of the world have a meeting and decide you were going to be the sole person they loved? Second, chances are you aren’t because you look nothing like him and you aren’t the same height as a garden gnome!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ok with people having confidence and high self esteem, but not to a point were you begin complimenting yourself. You saying you are amazing is like Adam Sandler saying he is the best actor/director there is. Now there might be a little kid who thinks so, but that doesn’t make it true. You are as amazing as “Jack and Jill” was, now that is a statement I am totally fine with.

You cannot going around complimenting yourself. If you are so great, let others do it for you. You complimenting yourself is the same as my mom telling me I am a great catch, everyone involved knows it isn’t true but we say it in hopes to fill the void in our personalities (come to think of it my mom hasn’t said something like that in years, I’m beginning to think shes lost faith in my amazingness) Someone please reassure me I am a wonderful human being!!

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you think it, keep it to yourself, there is such a thing as having too much confidence, and at that point you come off as an arrogant jerk. Be nice, be good at what you do, but never overestimate yourself.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Critical Television”

tv

The problem:

You like most of us have a job, things to do, and occasionally enjoy some good old fashioned television. You have your taste and like what you like. You tell your friend about the show and they brush it off like “oh ok cool, yea that show is fine, but do you watch Barney goes river boat gambling?” To which you respond with “No, don’t have too much time to watch television, haven’t seen it.” You are then greeted with the most appalled face you have ever seen, and they reply in disgust with “You haven’t seen it? Its like the best show ever right now, I can’t believe it.”

You pause to think for a moment, and ask yourself Are they on the show? Did their parent direct it? That is the only reason that might muster up this kind of reaction. Later you realize they are and never have been part of this show, yet they act like you insulted their mother. I get you may like a show and think it is “the greatest show ever” but here’s the funny thing about opinions, they are yours and only yours, keep them forever, no need to share, and when you do don’t expect others to agree. When did you become the end all be all of what tv shows to watch.

There is the other end of the spectrum as well, when you mention a good tv show and ask if they have seen it, it is shut down faster than when I use to ask my mom for video game money. Your opinion is not good enough is what I have learned with these people, so I agree to everything and just nod and reply with “yea man what a great show, cant get enough of it,” when clearly I have not nor have any intention of watching it, just because you told me to. I might be missing out on a great show, but screw you I’m not watching it.

The solution:

If you like a show, take the following steps when asking others about it:

  1. Have you seen this show?
  2. Oh no, you have not? Well I believe you would quite enjoy it and find it entertaining, if you happen to have time after your busy workday
  3. If you do end up watching it, please feel free to open up discussion about the show, as I am a huge fan.

Be kind and courteous to all opinions and remember some people just don’t like watching that much television.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“OMG its Raining!”

frog

The Problem:

It is Summer time and we are enjoying the weather. Out of no where it rains a little bit and the social media world goes crazy. Within a minute, 902435703927 people let you know it is raining. Now I understand that rain is clear, but it is pretty easy to figure out it is raining. We all appreciate the help Inspector Gadget, but it is not the end of the world, I promise! it is just a little bit of rain, your detective work is needed elsewhere (preferably figuring out who in the world actually still watches the the bachelor!)

This is just one example of a normal event that gets more social media coverage than a baby panda escaping a zoo or a guy eating 4500 hot dogs in 3 hours on a unicycle.

Certain scenarios which bring about such high volume of statuses include, but are not limited to: A small earthquake, a fire, sporting events, and so on!

Now not only is it obvious that these things have happened, there is another side to it all together. You get those who try to be funny and post things like “Oh boy here we go, here are the rain posts” or “yea we know Micronesia won the world cup” These statuses are actually a bit more annoying than just an ordinary “it is raining” comment! Also on top of it you are not funny, your sarcasm is not creative, you suck!

The Solution:

We are all aware of our surroundings, most of us have televisions and radios and can keep up with worldly events, and a lot of us can see, fell, or even hear the joys of mother nature. If you are really that excited and must say something, at least make it creative, put it in a form of a riddle or make it funny. Make us work for it! Better yet you think of it long and hard, and don’t tell us!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Need a Hug?”

owl

The Problem:

You are enjoying getting paid for working, but we all know you are just on social media. You come across a post/status that goes like the following “Ugh….” or “WTF” or just to be extra cute ” :/ ” just a freaking slanted happy face. The following post/status brings about the fastest response times I have ever seen, these people should be working for the emergency services. Within .3 seconds there are 45,678 likes and a barrage of comments and replies ranging from “OMG babe what’s wrong” to “hang in there” to even an inspirational quote!

Now I do not know what bothers me more, the people reaching for the attention or the people giving the attention. So I broke it down and tried to figure which I hate more:

1. People who post the status: Do you really need the attention from people that most likely a. Haven’t said a word to you in months or b. People who don’t have a clue who you are and just happened to search #ineedattention #pleasegivemeattention #wahhhhhh. If you really knew them and they were your friends, you would have their phone numbers and can you call them with these issues. You do not need to publicly display and cry for attention when your pop tart didn’t toast properly or your boyfriend liked another girl’s post.

2. People who comment and like these posts: Why are you feeding into it? You don’t actually care, this is just another ploy for people to be like “Oh look, Jackie asked what wrong, she must be a great person and a good friend, lets go be friends with her.” Guess what, Jackie isn’t! She is a mean person and doesn’t shave her armpits. and is the same person who 1 second later posted a picture of herself eating frozen yogurt with the caption (#blessed #bestdayever). If Jackie really gave a crap she would have called you and seen whats wrong and not be having the best day ever!

After describing both sides out, I must say it is a tie, I hate both equally.

The Solution:

Don’t go to social media for attention, if you have a real issue go talk to people who will care and actually help you. Seek solace elsewhere. Now and again everyone gets down and wants attention and some love, but if someone actually cares about you they would not need a status or post to tell them you need a hug. So next time go looking for hugs instead of likes, you will feel much better (just don’t hug random people, that might get a bit weird!)

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!