“Because,”They” Said So!”

They Say.jpg

The Problem:

People always feel the need to chime in on everything. They even become very opinionated about subjects they do not have a single clue about. They have received a little nugget of information from another fellow human just as clueless as them, and feel the urge to pass along the pointless information. Stay with us as we will show you through examples as to what it is exactly we are talking about.

1.       You plan yourself a nice little trip to North Dakota. You are excited and it’s the day before you leave, so you decide to share this information with a fellow human. You tell them your plans and he or she starts with “They say…it is not a good time to be there, the bears have been stealing peoples’ wallets” You stare, look discouraged and continue about your day.

2.       You have waited 3 months to see a movie, it is finally out and someone at the office goes on a rant: “They say the movie didn’t live up to expectations, the angle of the camera was 0.15 mm off to the left and it just ruined the whole meaning of the movie”

3.       You go to a restaurant and order a chicken sandwich, “They say chicken is just not as healthy as it used to be, the new chickens are so lazy now and you can taste their negative energy”

This goes on for almost anything, like new diets, fashion trends, and so on. However, a few questions do arise:

1.       Who the hell are They? If They are the people pictured above, then I believe you.

2.       Why do They have an opinion on everything, and why is it always right?

3.       Why do They care if I want to eat tacos, watch Paul Blart Mall Cop 7, and have cancer causing soda?

The person who quotes, “They” has no idea what they are saying. They have read somewhere on a random blog like ours, and think they have educated themselves. Opinions are dangerous things to give uneducated people.

The Solution:

Stop believing everything you read, just because some judgmental jerk said something does not make it the law of the land.

Help put an end to this endless game of telephone, that we all lose.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

check out full site at: Enigmaofhate

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“Reflections Upon a Sneeze”

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Please visit the new Enigma of Hate website

The Problem:

You are at the mall or a coffee shop. You see an individual breath in like they are about to sneeze. They sneeze and do not cover their mouth. Your eyes open wide, the snot from their nose comes out like the lava from Mt. Vesuvius once did, and like the citizens of Pompeii you remain frozen in hopes you will survive.

As the clear liquid flies into the air, time slows down, you see your reflection from one of the drops, and you begin to ask yourself have you done everything you have wanted? Have you built a legacy to be remembered by?

You try to move and get out of the way but, alas it is far too late. The moment of escape has passed and you must now stand there and face the judgement this sneeze will pass upon you. You stand tall and accept your faith as foreign waters trickle onto your face.

This human volcano has no remorse and just walks away without an apology of any sort. A simple covering of their mouth or the smallest of handkerchiefs would have stopped this whole tragedy. Thanks for ebola sir/madame, but no thanks, keep it for yourself.

The Solution:

Have the decency to cover your nose when you sneeze or cough, nobody needs that polluting our space. If you do cover your mouth/nose and someone is nice enough to say “Bless you” have the common decency to say thank you. Also in retrospect if one was to sneeze and you see no other individual has had the decency to say “Bless you” to them, then take a second out of your day and be the one to do it. Don’t let there be an awkward pause, makes everyone uncomfortable. It’s like a student farting in class, just because no one acknowledges it, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Be aware of your surroundings, be courteous, and stop drop and roll if you hear a sneeze. Better safe than sorry.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating

 

“The Red Sea”

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The Problem:

You have had a long day at work and are very tired. You rush out of work because you remember you have tickets to the Los Angeles Traffic Show. For the next 12 hours you will be drive through 10 miles of the worst terrain ever, only to get home, sleep for 30 min, and do it again. Since the drive is so exciting and relaxing there are a certain few types of assholes who try to ruin your party.

Here are a few examples:

Jerkface #1: This is by far the most annoying person. You are merging onto the freeway or trying to change your lane. You signal, look, and start to merge, but out of nowhere the car in the other lane becomes a Speed Racer and goes above and beyond to get in front of you. We bid you Congratulations, you scumbag, now you have moved in front by 1 car and are still stuck going 2 mph. You have accomplished nothing and we hope you get a flat tire.

Jerkface #2: The person who honks for the 12 hours straight. Do you think loud noises will magically make the car in front of you disappear? Do you think maybe by honking people will feel afraid and part the 5 freeway for you? If you aren’t Houdini or Moses, those 2 things will not be happening.

Jerkface #3: The person who signals for 4 hours and does nothing about it. Signals are your words when driving, use them wisely, and when you do stand behind them. When you signal to go left and we slow down for you make sure you do it, be man/woman of your word even if it was by mistake. Honor is big in the world of traffic.

Jerkace #4: When you make a mistake and the person who was the beneficiary of your mistake decided it’s time to do their best Hulk impression in the middle of the freeway. It was a mistake, no one got hit, get over it, move, and learn how to control your feelings. If you want to talk we are here for you, but don’t yell at us.

There are many more annoyances along this incredible journey we all take daily, like the rubbernecker and the tailgater, but there isn’t enough blog in this world to cover them all.

 

The Solution:

These people are never going away. Bust out your favorite Yanni/Enya mixtape (or I enjoy a good Michael Bolton/Meatloaf combination), kick back, and enjoy the sea of red that you will be seeing till 2062, because that’s when we get cars like the Jetsons.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating.

 

Please visit us at:

www.enigmaofhate.com

Friends with Convenience

annoying

The Problem:

You are having an jolly good day, you are off of work, checking your social media sites and you see a like from someone who you having talked to in years. You begin to think two things: Maybe they pressed it on accident or Hey, maybe I should hang out with them again they seem nice. You let it go and do nothing. The next day you get another like. Now there is no way they would like two of your pics on accident 2 days in a row, so you begin to think what is going on. After the third day, you get a request to go see their harmonica band play at Chuck E Cheese. Now it all comes together.

We all have those friends or acquaintances who just pop up at the most convenient times. Sometimes it starts as a conversation: Hey hows it going, how have you been? Haven’t seen you since you since Mrs. Johnson’s 1st grade class. By the way you want to buy a home from me? No jerk I would not like to buy a home from you, I don’t even know you. Do you really think we just made up for 25 years in a one min conversation and now we are best buds again. I don’t think so you parasite.

Now I understand you want people to know about what you do and you want to make profit off of everyone, because who doesn’t want easy money, but grow a pair.

When something like this happens you tend to feel obligated to help or say yea for sure. but don’t feed these leeches. They do not deserve your support.

“Hey I saw in your post that you broke your leg. Do you need life insurance, you just never know when you’re going to die, I can help save you money” -These assholes

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you have something to tell us, do it on a larger scale. Post it on your page. Don’t tag me, and don’t single me out and pretend to be friends with me just to get me to come to your Rubik’s Cube championships. There is a time and place to invite and ask people for help or advice, and for you Third grade creepy guy who use to roll up and eat his boogers, is never.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Up in “da” Club

clubber

The Problem:

You are at work or just hanging out with a few friends when a co-worker or acquaintance comes up starts talking about the amazing weekend he has just had. He talks about all the girls he got and how he gets into all the clubs and so on. Only thing is this sounds a lot like the past 45 weekends he also has had. You begin to wonder is this balding middle aged guy really that amazing? Have you been misjudging him this whole time? Could you possibly be this close to the most interesting man in the world? After a few minutes of thinking you realize that, NO! Not a chance in hell, this guy has done and will never do anything even close to the tall tale he spews.

To him I say, “Just because you got laid one time while Nixon was still in office, doesn’t mean you are cool and that you get all the girls.” There is a reason you are middle aged, balding, and single. The only reason you get in the club is because the club is too embarrassed to have you hang around outside. You stand out at a club as much as much as Mark Wahlberg did in the transformers movie.

It isn’t just the fact that you lie about just this incident, its that it is with everything. Not only do they lie, then you come and try to give you life advice. “You are telling me what I should do to succeed?” That’s like me asking Bernie Madoff to be my accountant. We both know you are wrong and don’t have a single clue about what you are talking about. Instead of telling me how to live my life, go wipe that spray tan off and invest in some clothes that don’t have the name “Ed Hardy” on them.

The Solution:

Now I know you had some good times in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can keep drilling it into our brains and reminding us of the one time a stripper gave you a high five. Life moves on, stop living in the past, and please stop telling me how to live mine. Grow up!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“I’m like so Amazing!”

big deal

The Problem:

You are hanging out, chatting it up with a few friends and discussing a variety of topics. Lets say the topic of dogs come about, and sure enough someone chimes in with “I’m the best with dogs, they love me, I’m the dog whisperer!” Everyone looks at one another and smiles and nods, but in reality you think “First off, how the hell do you know, did the dogs of the world have a meeting and decide you were going to be the sole person they loved? Second, chances are you aren’t because you look nothing like him and you aren’t the same height as a garden gnome!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ok with people having confidence and high self esteem, but not to a point were you begin complimenting yourself. You saying you are amazing is like Adam Sandler saying he is the best actor/director there is. Now there might be a little kid who thinks so, but that doesn’t make it true. You are as amazing as “Jack and Jill” was, now that is a statement I am totally fine with.

You cannot going around complimenting yourself. If you are so great, let others do it for you. You complimenting yourself is the same as my mom telling me I am a great catch, everyone involved knows it isn’t true but we say it in hopes to fill the void in our personalities (come to think of it my mom hasn’t said something like that in years, I’m beginning to think shes lost faith in my amazingness) Someone please reassure me I am a wonderful human being!!

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you think it, keep it to yourself, there is such a thing as having too much confidence, and at that point you come off as an arrogant jerk. Be nice, be good at what you do, but never overestimate yourself.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!