Friends with Convenience

annoying

The Problem:

You are having an jolly good day, you are off of work, checking your social media sites and you see a like from someone who you having talked to in years. You begin to think two things: Maybe they pressed it on accident or Hey, maybe I should hang out with them again they seem nice. You let it go and do nothing. The next day you get another like. Now there is no way they would like two of your pics on accident 2 days in a row, so you begin to think what is going on. After the third day, you get a request to go see their harmonica band play at Chuck E Cheese. Now it all comes together.

We all have those friends or acquaintances who just pop up at the most convenient times. Sometimes it starts as a conversation: Hey hows it going, how have you been? Haven’t seen you since you since Mrs. Johnson’s 1st grade class. By the way you want to buy a home from me? No jerk I would not like to buy a home from you, I don’t even know you. Do you really think we just made up for 25 years in a one min conversation and now we are best buds again. I don’t think so you parasite.

Now I understand you want people to know about what you do and you want to make profit off of everyone, because who doesn’t want easy money, but grow a pair.

When something like this happens you tend to feel obligated to help or say yea for sure. but don’t feed these leeches. They do not deserve your support.

“Hey I saw in your post that you broke your leg. Do you need life insurance, you just never know when you’re going to die, I can help save you money” -These assholes

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you have something to tell us, do it on a larger scale. Post it on your page. Don’t tag me, and don’t single me out and pretend to be friends with me just to get me to come to your Rubik’s Cube championships. There is a time and place to invite and ask people for help or advice, and for you Third grade creepy guy who use to roll up and eat his boogers, is never.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

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“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Look into my Eyes…”

mall-kiosk-people

The Problem:

You decide it is your day off and want to enjoy it by going to the mall. You walk through a few stores and on your way to the next you see the dreaded kiosk jerks. They wait for you to look even remotely close to them so they can pounce. The moment you look over, they hypnotize you, stare into your soul, and try to sell you one of the most ground breaking inventions of mankind: A remote controlled stuffed animal.

I mean I understand this is your job, but do you really think in the middle of Christmas shopping I want the three hairs on my head to be straightened? You know what while you are at it please go ahead and braid my back hair too! What makes you think blowing bubbles at me will want me to come buy something from you. Do I come to your house and throw things at you asking you to buy a t-shirts with my face on it.

These people are walking commercials you would see in between episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. “Now for just 47 installments of $53,000 you can have this pen that will write underwater, and if you order now you can get matching goggles!”

Who honestly thinks these are a good idea. You honestly sat down, made a business plan, and a helicopter that flies 75 ft in the air when you pull a string is your revolutionary idea that is going to make you millions? You’re really sticking with that?

You sir/madame are like dementors from Harry Potter, you make a warm fuzzy day feel cold and you suck the life out of us.

The Solution:

If you are going to be working at a kiosk, please think about the product, and after giving it some hard thought…realize you are not going to get anywhere and don’t do it. When you ignore my sound advice and do open one, don’t harass people. If I want knock off sunglasses or cream to get rid of the tangles in my armpits, I will come to you.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Up in “da” Club

clubber

The Problem:

You are at work or just hanging out with a few friends when a co-worker or acquaintance comes up starts talking about the amazing weekend he has just had. He talks about all the girls he got and how he gets into all the clubs and so on. Only thing is this sounds a lot like the past 45 weekends he also has had. You begin to wonder is this balding middle aged guy really that amazing? Have you been misjudging him this whole time? Could you possibly be this close to the most interesting man in the world? After a few minutes of thinking you realize that, NO! Not a chance in hell, this guy has done and will never do anything even close to the tall tale he spews.

To him I say, “Just because you got laid one time while Nixon was still in office, doesn’t mean you are cool and that you get all the girls.” There is a reason you are middle aged, balding, and single. The only reason you get in the club is because the club is too embarrassed to have you hang around outside. You stand out at a club as much as much as Mark Wahlberg did in the transformers movie.

It isn’t just the fact that you lie about just this incident, its that it is with everything. Not only do they lie, then you come and try to give you life advice. “You are telling me what I should do to succeed?” That’s like me asking Bernie Madoff to be my accountant. We both know you are wrong and don’t have a single clue about what you are talking about. Instead of telling me how to live my life, go wipe that spray tan off and invest in some clothes that don’t have the name “Ed Hardy” on them.

The Solution:

Now I know you had some good times in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can keep drilling it into our brains and reminding us of the one time a stripper gave you a high five. Life moves on, stop living in the past, and please stop telling me how to live mine. Grow up!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“I’m like so Amazing!”

big deal

The Problem:

You are hanging out, chatting it up with a few friends and discussing a variety of topics. Lets say the topic of dogs come about, and sure enough someone chimes in with “I’m the best with dogs, they love me, I’m the dog whisperer!” Everyone looks at one another and smiles and nods, but in reality you think “First off, how the hell do you know, did the dogs of the world have a meeting and decide you were going to be the sole person they loved? Second, chances are you aren’t because you look nothing like him and you aren’t the same height as a garden gnome!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ok with people having confidence and high self esteem, but not to a point were you begin complimenting yourself. You saying you are amazing is like Adam Sandler saying he is the best actor/director there is. Now there might be a little kid who thinks so, but that doesn’t make it true. You are as amazing as “Jack and Jill” was, now that is a statement I am totally fine with.

You cannot going around complimenting yourself. If you are so great, let others do it for you. You complimenting yourself is the same as my mom telling me I am a great catch, everyone involved knows it isn’t true but we say it in hopes to fill the void in our personalities (come to think of it my mom hasn’t said something like that in years, I’m beginning to think shes lost faith in my amazingness) Someone please reassure me I am a wonderful human being!!

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you think it, keep it to yourself, there is such a thing as having too much confidence, and at that point you come off as an arrogant jerk. Be nice, be good at what you do, but never overestimate yourself.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Critical Television”

tv

The problem:

You like most of us have a job, things to do, and occasionally enjoy some good old fashioned television. You have your taste and like what you like. You tell your friend about the show and they brush it off like “oh ok cool, yea that show is fine, but do you watch Barney goes river boat gambling?” To which you respond with “No, don’t have too much time to watch television, haven’t seen it.” You are then greeted with the most appalled face you have ever seen, and they reply in disgust with “You haven’t seen it? Its like the best show ever right now, I can’t believe it.”

You pause to think for a moment, and ask yourself Are they on the show? Did their parent direct it? That is the only reason that might muster up this kind of reaction. Later you realize they are and never have been part of this show, yet they act like you insulted their mother. I get you may like a show and think it is “the greatest show ever” but here’s the funny thing about opinions, they are yours and only yours, keep them forever, no need to share, and when you do don’t expect others to agree. When did you become the end all be all of what tv shows to watch.

There is the other end of the spectrum as well, when you mention a good tv show and ask if they have seen it, it is shut down faster than when I use to ask my mom for video game money. Your opinion is not good enough is what I have learned with these people, so I agree to everything and just nod and reply with “yea man what a great show, cant get enough of it,” when clearly I have not nor have any intention of watching it, just because you told me to. I might be missing out on a great show, but screw you I’m not watching it.

The solution:

If you like a show, take the following steps when asking others about it:

  1. Have you seen this show?
  2. Oh no, you have not? Well I believe you would quite enjoy it and find it entertaining, if you happen to have time after your busy workday
  3. If you do end up watching it, please feel free to open up discussion about the show, as I am a huge fan.

Be kind and courteous to all opinions and remember some people just don’t like watching that much television.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Name Your Price”

used car

The Problem:

You are really excited about getting a new car. It’s all fun and games until you actually have to go purchase it, then come these leeches ready to suck you dry. As if it wasn’t hard enough to make a decision you get these car salesman who make it as much fun as sitting through a Matlock marathon.

It all starts with a phone call, “Hi I was wondering what kind of deals do you have on this car?” They follow up with “Whats your name?number?blood type?” WTF do you need all that information for, what is my grandmas first address have to do with the promotion you have going on? No you jerk give me a damn ballpark and we will go from there.

Let’s say you don’t feel like calling so you go there. These goddam assholes stick to you like glue, back off you clingy ex girlfriend I’ll call you when I’m ready, we broke up for a reason. You stare at a car for one second and you hear form the back “if this car was in a drag race with a 100 cars it would come up 3rd in the first 4 seconds” you respond with “oh good, that’s amazing, it’s the only criteria I look for in a car, but I only go for first place winners.” In the words of Ricky Bobby’s father “if you aint first, you’re last” and I live by that motto.

So then you choose the car you want to buy and the freakin’ side show begins. “Lets run some numbers and see what we can do for you” They go away for a few minutes pretending to talk to their boss and show up sweating like they came back from Vietnam in 75′ and tell you “I don’t know how they are giving us this deal, but you seem like a nice person, this is what I can do for you $45000 down $6500/month” you pause and say “No thanks, the deal on the tv said no down $20/month” he then respond “oh yea that not including tax, my grand children’s school tuition, utilities for a bridge they are building in France, and funds to save a little polar bear born in a Japanese zoo.” You try to leave and they yell and go back and forth until you believe you have a good deal, but in the end you both know you have just paid for small private jet and all your getting is a malnourished three legged donkey!

The Solution:

Set a price, don’t lie to us and sell us the damn car without any gimmicks. In other words don’t be you!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!