“Because,”They” Said So!”

They Say.jpg

The Problem:

People always feel the need to chime in on everything. They even become very opinionated about subjects they do not have a single clue about. They have received a little nugget of information from another fellow human just as clueless as them, and feel the urge to pass along the pointless information. Stay with us as we will show you through examples as to what it is exactly we are talking about.

1.       You plan yourself a nice little trip to North Dakota. You are excited and it’s the day before you leave, so you decide to share this information with a fellow human. You tell them your plans and he or she starts with “They say…it is not a good time to be there, the bears have been stealing peoples’ wallets” You stare, look discouraged and continue about your day.

2.       You have waited 3 months to see a movie, it is finally out and someone at the office goes on a rant: “They say the movie didn’t live up to expectations, the angle of the camera was 0.15 mm off to the left and it just ruined the whole meaning of the movie”

3.       You go to a restaurant and order a chicken sandwich, “They say chicken is just not as healthy as it used to be, the new chickens are so lazy now and you can taste their negative energy”

This goes on for almost anything, like new diets, fashion trends, and so on. However, a few questions do arise:

1.       Who the hell are They? If They are the people pictured above, then I believe you.

2.       Why do They have an opinion on everything, and why is it always right?

3.       Why do They care if I want to eat tacos, watch Paul Blart Mall Cop 7, and have cancer causing soda?

The person who quotes, “They” has no idea what they are saying. They have read somewhere on a random blog like ours, and think they have educated themselves. Opinions are dangerous things to give uneducated people.

The Solution:

Stop believing everything you read, just because some judgmental jerk said something does not make it the law of the land.

Help put an end to this endless game of telephone, that we all lose.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

check out full site at: Enigmaofhate

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“The Red Sea”

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The Problem:

You have had a long day at work and are very tired. You rush out of work because you remember you have tickets to the Los Angeles Traffic Show. For the next 12 hours you will be drive through 10 miles of the worst terrain ever, only to get home, sleep for 30 min, and do it again. Since the drive is so exciting and relaxing there are a certain few types of assholes who try to ruin your party.

Here are a few examples:

Jerkface #1: This is by far the most annoying person. You are merging onto the freeway or trying to change your lane. You signal, look, and start to merge, but out of nowhere the car in the other lane becomes a Speed Racer and goes above and beyond to get in front of you. We bid you Congratulations, you scumbag, now you have moved in front by 1 car and are still stuck going 2 mph. You have accomplished nothing and we hope you get a flat tire.

Jerkface #2: The person who honks for the 12 hours straight. Do you think loud noises will magically make the car in front of you disappear? Do you think maybe by honking people will feel afraid and part the 5 freeway for you? If you aren’t Houdini or Moses, those 2 things will not be happening.

Jerkface #3: The person who signals for 4 hours and does nothing about it. Signals are your words when driving, use them wisely, and when you do stand behind them. When you signal to go left and we slow down for you make sure you do it, be man/woman of your word even if it was by mistake. Honor is big in the world of traffic.

Jerkace #4: When you make a mistake and the person who was the beneficiary of your mistake decided it’s time to do their best Hulk impression in the middle of the freeway. It was a mistake, no one got hit, get over it, move, and learn how to control your feelings. If you want to talk we are here for you, but don’t yell at us.

There are many more annoyances along this incredible journey we all take daily, like the rubbernecker and the tailgater, but there isn’t enough blog in this world to cover them all.

 

The Solution:

These people are never going away. Bust out your favorite Yanni/Enya mixtape (or I enjoy a good Michael Bolton/Meatloaf combination), kick back, and enjoy the sea of red that you will be seeing till 2062, because that’s when we get cars like the Jetsons.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating.

 

Please visit us at:

www.enigmaofhate.com

“Down the Uphill Road”

negative

The Problem:

You are a normal person, who gets excited about normal things. When you get excited, you decide to tell a few people, in hopes they share your excitement as well, and then you have a big smile and go about your merry day. However, this is not always they case, in the following scenarios I will be showing certain people who always find the worst in every situation and “rain on your parade”

  1. You: I bought this amazing new cookie, it’s so good

Them: Is it gluten Free?

You: No

Them: Well you shouldn’t eat it. I read about a woman who ate the same cookie, and          her stomach was too hipster and rejected the cookie, and she died.

2.   You: I just one a million dollars

Them: I heard about a guy who won 2 million and a harpoon came flying through                his window and he died.

3.   You: We are going on vacation to Hawaii for our honeymoon. We are just so                         excited.

Them: I went to Hawaii once, It was the worst. I mean who names a state that ends           in three vowels. It was hot and sticky, and our waiter at the bar was so rude. I don’t           recommend it. You should go somewhere else.

You: But we heard so many great things, and can’t get our money back

Them: Hmpf…well sucks to be you

4.  You: I just bought these awesome new shoes

Them: Those are such a waste of money, I went to the store across the street and               got shoes 10x better for way cheaper.

These are just a few examples of how these jerks ruin a simple and good thing.

The Solution:

Your a not my banker, my life guru, or my life coach, so stop acting like you are. our opinions are your opinions, so stop sharing them, because no one really cares. If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all. Come to think of it, just don’t say anything, ever!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating.

“You Lose”

on hold

The Problem:

You are driving along and you have a phone issue or need to talk to your insurance. So you decide to give them a call. You think this will take a few minutes since you have only one question, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Little do you know this following phone call will take longer than a breakup call with your ex girlfriend.

I like to think of it as a game. In level 1 you hear a few questions about your language and the purpose of your call and you enter with a number from 1-9. Next the questions become more difficult and pretty soon you have to remember your grandmother’s cats name or your mom’s first car. You break a sweat, but you succeed because you have studied and you know this, and within an hour you have reached level 2 . In level 2 you get to speak to a real person, where for some odd reason the game hasn’t saved and you have to repeat all the answers you had entered earlier but this time in the form of words.

You do great again, and then comes Level 3, in this level you are put on hold for 4 hours till they check nothing and come back with absolutely no result. At this point your a 5 hours in, there have been no checkpoints and absolutely no end in sight. You begin to think maybe the $100,000 insurance bill or buying a brand new phone might be a better solution.

At long last you reach the Final level, The Boss comes in form of a manager, who tell you to restart your phone or that there is nothing they can do and you should call a different number that might be able to fix your issue.

The Solution:

In this game, there is no solution, you just never win.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Friends with Convenience

annoying

The Problem:

You are having an jolly good day, you are off of work, checking your social media sites and you see a like from someone who you having talked to in years. You begin to think two things: Maybe they pressed it on accident or Hey, maybe I should hang out with them again they seem nice. You let it go and do nothing. The next day you get another like. Now there is no way they would like two of your pics on accident 2 days in a row, so you begin to think what is going on. After the third day, you get a request to go see their harmonica band play at Chuck E Cheese. Now it all comes together.

We all have those friends or acquaintances who just pop up at the most convenient times. Sometimes it starts as a conversation: Hey hows it going, how have you been? Haven’t seen you since you since Mrs. Johnson’s 1st grade class. By the way you want to buy a home from me? No jerk I would not like to buy a home from you, I don’t even know you. Do you really think we just made up for 25 years in a one min conversation and now we are best buds again. I don’t think so you parasite.

Now I understand you want people to know about what you do and you want to make profit off of everyone, because who doesn’t want easy money, but grow a pair.

When something like this happens you tend to feel obligated to help or say yea for sure. but don’t feed these leeches. They do not deserve your support.

“Hey I saw in your post that you broke your leg. Do you need life insurance, you just never know when you’re going to die, I can help save you money” -These assholes

The Solution:

Don’t do it. If you have something to tell us, do it on a larger scale. Post it on your page. Don’t tag me, and don’t single me out and pretend to be friends with me just to get me to come to your Rubik’s Cube championships. There is a time and place to invite and ask people for help or advice, and for you Third grade creepy guy who use to roll up and eat his boogers, is never.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Outside Voices”

movie

The Problem:

You have been anticipating the release of a movie for months. The day has arrived, you bring in your own snacks (obviously you wouldn’t be buying it from the theater because that would cost you your monthly mortgage), you sit down and the movie begins. 5 min into you begin to hear commentary from an audience member for the movie. Then 10 min into it you realize you will be hearing a play by play for the whole movie.

This can go in a few ways:

  1. It is a comedy, and the person begins to repeat every line that was funny out loud. We know it is a joke, thank you for mentioning it, now please turn down your volume to the level of SHUT UP! I have paid a premium to see Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, and would like to find the one joke in there myself.
  2. The person who reads everything that pops up out loud. This sucks especially if it has subtitles.  Unless you are watching with a person who has trouble seeing, there is no need to read out loud. We get it you can read no need to show off, but guess what so can I. School apparently paid off, and I can actually read. I know its hard to believe, but I did it Mom!
  3. This is the worst of the bunch. The person who constantly lets us know what they would do in the situation. “Oh no, I wouldn’t go in there” or “I can’t believe she is kissing him, I would never” Guess what, she did kiss him and in a few minutes they will be doing more than that (I meant dancing, get your mind out of the gutter). There is a reason you weren’t cast for the movie. Also, can’t imagine why Spielberg didn’t decide to consult with you first, after all your face was the inspiration for E.T.

Off point, but also please don’t assume we can’t see or hear you on your phone, your overprotective girlfriend can wait an hour until we find out if there is anything else left to be Taken from Liam Neeson’s character. Lastly, do you really think bringing a toddler to  Magic Mike is a good idea, be a real parent and hire a babysitter, for your sake and ours.

The Solution:

Now, Imagine a movie where the characters are watching a movie and there isn’t a loud, obnoxious, self center asshole sitting and talking behind them. Wouldn’t that be something.

These people are everywhere, they have no respect for other peoples time and money. No one actually cares about your opinion nor what you would do in certain situations. So please shut your mouth, shut your phone, and your children when watching a movie.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!