“Inspirational Discouragment”

mouse

The Problem:

You are doing the usually stroll down social media lane, and you see a picture of a friend or an acquaintance and not only is it a selfie (we will get to those on another day, I promise) but it may include the following caption: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase -MLK Jr.”

There is so much wrong with this:

1. MLK Jr. did not sacrifice his life and do the work he did, to be shared on a picture of you at the gym. He worked his whole life, you worked out for 20 min, calm down, that new vein you found on your bicep isn’t as important as the Civil Rights movement! You are not that important, I promise.

2. WTF are you saying! How is your face an inspirational thing to look at. If anything  you are discouraging me from doing anything.  You are the sole reason I do not have inspiration in my life. How do you live with yourself???

3. Are you trying to tell me your hard work at a bar drinking and dancing with your friends is as important as the actions of Rosa Parks or Ghandi. My response to you comes in the form of a quote from the amazing Rosa Park, “No!” She stood up for all that was wrong and you have the audacity to quote her on your selfie.

4. If you are going to do all of this please double check your work. According to you, our lives are about to be changed with this picture, so make sure it is accurate.The only thing more annoying than the three things above, is you not only posting a selfie with a quote, but you misspell, misapply, and give credit the wrong person.

Example:

23-funniest-animal-selfies-8

“Dont never give up” -Mother Teresa

The Solution:

If you are going to provide us with inspirational quotes, don’t put a picture of your abs or your face, put a picture of the person saying them, or some nice scenery to look at. You  most certainly are not the poster child for inspirational quotes.

or

Just stop doing it!

I personally prefer the latter option!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

Advertisements

“Separation Anxiety”

shutt

The Problem:

You scroll through you social media page and you see the picture of someone you know, the caption reads: “My best friend, my love, my joy, my prince” to that I respond “my ass.”

A few other captions may include:

“Happy monday babe, can’t go on the week without you” I promise you can, people go to war and come back and they do it, trust me you can handle a week!

“My bf/gf is the best, #blessed” Nope they aren’t, there is always better, have you met everyone in the world? May I suggest maybe “This is my bf/gf incase you forgot from the post i posted yesterday reminding you about the post I posted the day before” #keepuppeople

“Everyday is a gift with this guy/girl” I have hung out with him and I assure it most definitely is not.

You have all these couples confessing their love to each other over and over again, “Yea your together we get it, now shut up!” Are you that desperate for attention that you need constant feedback about how happy everyone is you made it through your 145th day together, or are you just that self indulgent? I look forward to your pictures as much as I look forward to the next M. Night Shaymalan movie.

This constant barrage of pictures and the ploy for attention is spamming my life. It’s people like you that make me want to switch back to dial-up internet If you love each other so much, spend time with one another, and don’t tell us. Let us guess, the suspense of not knowing if you are hanging out might be unbearable, but we will manage.

Also what is with the combo social media pages, what are you guys Captain Planet, you have conjoined your powers together and now will save the world? What happened to a little bit trust and independence.

…and #MCE and #WCE is yet again a one time comment, we do not need to be constantly reminded, your daily anniversary pictures already take care of that.

The Solution:

You aren’t the only couple in this world, you aren’t the greatest couple, you aren’t the cutest couple, you are a couple in this world, let others decide upon your greatness.

We will give you a select number of days to post pictures: engagement, wedding day, anniversary, and an occasional photo here and there. Just don’t over do it. Post pictures of turtles eating strawberries instead (yes that’s a thing and it is amazing!)

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“The Doe Conundrum”

sirius

The Problem:

You are at work an instead of working you are doing your third hourly check of Facebook statuses. Not much has changed, James is still eating banana pudding, and Sharon is still sad her boyfriend had the audacity to like another girl’s post (#jerk #weareovergary #single #ladiesnight). Then comes a new post and goes a little something like this: It is a picture of a half eaten cheeseburger with 3 fries and the comment under it reads “But dat awesome ass food doe” Initially you might say, “they must have typed quickly, they should be more careful when typing” but you realize that it was on purpose and that now this is a trend.

Common words all over the English language are in danger of extinction. We need immediate assistance from Language and Grammar Wildlife Services. A new updated list of words soon to become extinct, include but are not limited to:

Okay: (ok is okay to write, but KK? I mean c’mon, you are one O away from being accurate, and on K away from being a racist)

Seriously: “Siriusly” Only the man pictured above can spell it like that, not you!

Please: “Plz” What is that even? Are you asking me for some pills?

The: “Da” I have no comment, I can’t even fathom how this one came about

Though: “Tho/doe” This is by far the worst one, there are some kids and even adults out there who actually think this is how it is spelled

These are just a few of the words that in danger of no longer being seen again. Please do your part and help keep them alive. Extinction is not a joke, there is not turning back!

The Solution:

This is one of those trends that has set humanity back to the Stone Age. Most of us are smart people with the ability to spell correctly, and if you cannot then, that’s what spell check is for 🙂 You are just a right click away from not sounding like an inbred. Just please be cautious of those around you, kids are going to grow up with far less fewer words than we have. Isn’t our goal to give our children more than what we have.

So Plz dont do dat doe! kk? Thx!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Call Me Maybe”

FullSizeRender (1)

The Problem:

You go out to a bar, you are having a great time and you see someone you haven’t seen in a long time. After a few words have been exchanged, the following situation ensues: “Hey, let me get your number, we should totally hang out!” You said oh great sounds good, give them your number and go home. The chances of you getting a call from this person are as high as the their being a sequel to Selena.

I mean that is great that they want to hang out, but do they forget we have had one conversation in the past 3 decades. The last time this person said anything to me Nixon was still in office. Come to think of it this person was the same person who would make fun of me in high school, so why the hell would I want to hang out with them. You know what don’t call me jerk, you had a chance to be my friend, so screw you, I don’t want you to call me! (Sorry there was some unreleased anger issues slipping out)

You aren’t going to call me, you don’t even know me, stick with the generic “yea you know, work and school” and move on with your life till we see each other the next time Haley’s comet comes around. i wish you the best, but we were never friends for a reason and it is most likely not going to change now!

The Solution:

Now I get people are trying to be nice and friendly, but be realistic and don’t keep my hopes up. Don’t tell me you are going to call me and never do, I have been waiting and crying by the phone every night since my 3rd grade best friend said they would call me so we can go to a N’sync concert! They haven’t had a concert in over a decade and he never called, but maybe he knows something i don’t about a reunion tour. Stay strong, I promise they’ll call back 😦

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!