“The Crosswalk Wizard”

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The Problem:

You are at a crosswalk waiting for the little man to pop up so you can walk. Obviously you have pressed the button, because how else do you expect for the light to change. Low and behold some jerk off comes, nudges you out of the way and presses the button (most likely multiple times). C’mon man! You honestly think I didn’t figure that part out. “I was waiting here and was going to be stuck here forever until you came along! My finger muscles are weak and I just could’t press the button hard enough. My hero!”

What are you the streetlight wizard and your touch will automatically allow us to walk. Please Dumbledore, knock yourself out. Not only does this savior of the day press the button, they stand next to it like the guardian of the crosswalk. They stand there like, “I got this covered, you are safe now!”

This also goes for elevators. If we are on the bottom or the top floor, and the button going up or down is lit, what can possibly cause you to think I haven’t pressed the button. Is the glowing light not enough? Is the purpose of the light not to show you it has been pressed?

The Solution:

Unless you are like my friend pictured above and can’t press it easily and someone is at a crosswalk or and elevator waiting, I promise they got the whole button pressing part covered. Might be hard to believe you aren’t the only streetlight/elevator wizard in town!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

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“I Hate Lists”

list

The Problem:

1. I hate lists

2. Don’t tell me how to live my life

3. Only one person is allowed to make lists, and that’s Santa (yes he’s real! Google it)

Types of Lists I hate: (Only a few, I promise there are hundreds)

1. 10 things to do to become successful: You write for a website that gets 3 views a day, I don’t think you are one to tell me about success

2. 25 things to do to find your true love: I did them all, still haven’t (really don’t see how eating toast every morning or making an animal sacrifice will lead me to true love)

3. List of things to do to not have anxiety: Anxiety is biological/chemical issue not a list issue, so shut up!

4. Things to do before you die: becoming immortal is the only thing on my list

Yes I know this is a list!

The Solution:

Lists are not the answer to everything. You cant sum life up in 10 steps, you wont get laid because you did 6 steps some jerkoff told you to do on their blog. The following will not happen: “Oh, I love you so much Gertrude, but you only did 9 of the 10 steps from the “Things to do to fall in love” list, you didn’t do step 10 (Watch bridget Jones’s Diary), so this just isn’t going to work out. It’s just too late!

Stop it! I mean it!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“When in Rome”

Tourist

The Problem:

You go to a friends house for a party, you are having a good time like usual and the topic of traveling comes up. So the person next to you who has been quite the whole time has a lit up face and chimes in, “Oh, I was just in Europe!” You think oh cool I’ve never been, let me hear about it. So you listen for a few minutes and think to yourself “wow, thats cool i want to travel too” and you move on. A few minutes pass by and you are talking as a group about, lets say…pigeons, the same person comes in with “the pigeons in France are skinnier than the pigeons here.” This is where things get annoying. You traveled! We got it, not everything has to be tied into it, but yet they continue…”In Europe more air particles get into your nose, so you live longer”

Then comes, “I want to live in Europe!” Then go ahead, please no one is stopping you, just shut up about it. You aren’t better than me because you traveled, you don’t know more about life, you just have the time and money. Go live there for more than 2 weeks, I promise you will be back. Also, just cause some random dude bought you a diet coke at a cafe in Rome, doesn’t mean you know what true love is, he is just telling you its time to start a diet.

I love traveling, don’t get me wrong, but I won’t continuously bring it up, ill tell you about it once, and if you have any questions then ask.

The Solution:

Shut Up!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Nice to Meet You?”

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The Problem:

You go to a party, you are having a great time, then the following happens: You see a friend of a friend whom you have seen more than your own mother and they say “Oh hi, nice to meet you.” (my reaction on the inside: Oh hell no girl! Hold my earrings, imma teach this girl a lesson), but I give a fake smile, say hello and nod instead. The alternative is reminding them you have met before, but I’d rather watch a Murder She Wrote marathon.

Nothing gets under my skin more than that statement. You are not the Pope, you know a total of 10 people in your life, maybe 20 on Facebook but half of those happen to be your aunts and uncles. It can’t be that hard to remember that you’ve seen me before. You don’t even have to remember my name, just that you have seen me before. Don’t worry I’m not Batman, my identity is not a secret.

The Solution:

Make a conscious effort to remember the people you meet, you never know who you might be disrespecting. Till then listen to Sarah Mclachlan’s – I will remember you, every time after you meet someone. I promise you wont forget anyone after that.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Hold the Door Please”

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The Problem:

You are strolling through the mall (school, work, etc.) and there is a person in front of you. You are about to reach a door, and as a normal human being you would assume the person in front of you will hold the door for you. To your surprise, they do not, and you get a face full of door. Apparently the person in front of you thinks the Berlin Wall is still a thing and if you were to cross over East Germany will be in peril. It is not that difficult to hold the door for those long 3 seconds. I know you have places to be, but so do we all. Unless you are james Bond and are going to save the world in those 3 seconds, just spare the time and be a normal human being. Don’t even let me go in front of you, just give the door a nudge so it doesn’t close on my face.

The Solution:

Hold the damn door for people. Im not saying  hold the door if someone is at a distance where they have to make the awkward run/walk to get to it, but you’re an adult make a logical decision. If they are within Andre the Giant’s arms reach hold the door, and make that person’s day.

There is another side to this as well; If I take the time to hold the door for you, say thank you! Words are free, you will not lose anything. If you are worried about time, multitask, walk and say thank you at the same time, might be hard at first but I promise you will get the hang of it. Try it!

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!

“Cutest Couple”

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The Problem:

Scroll through any of your Instagram or Facebook feeds and sure enough you will see the following: “OMG! you guys are the cutest couple ever.” I have a few issues with this:

1. No they aren’t

2. They never will be, because the cutest couple is the two polar bears pictured above

3. The person who said the statement probably said the same thing to another picture 5 min before

Now Im not saying don’t compliment a picture, but I promise you the beluga whale and their walrus counterpart in the picture are not the cutest couple ever. Unless you have short term memory loss, there is no way you can make the same comment to two different pictures within 5 min. It is a one time comment!!

The Solution:

Be honest with them. use comments like “Hey nice picture, you two look painfully content with spending the rest of your lives together, or just, “Hey! thats a picture of you two” All I ask is to not be so overdramatic about it, it’s just a picture. If they look nice let them know, but no need to exaggerate.

Till next time, be safe and keep hating!